Pain pushes until vision pulls
So many of you have reached out and opened your heart to me. It’s time to practice what I preach and open myself up to all of you.
Over the course of the last few weeks I’ve been struggling. Really struggling.
The pain of everything, compounded with the resentment of having to do everything all on my own got the better of me.
Misery breeds misery, and I was spiralling down into a place I hadn’t been for some time.
It was dark, lonely, isolating. I felt like no one truly understood how I was feeling or what I was going through.
Resentment is dangerous – it zaps every last fragment of self-love and positivity and slowly but surely transforms you into the ugliest version of yourself.
It loves to hang out with its mates jealousy, vengefulness, hatred.
I would re-read my old posts and feel depleted, not inspired. I didn’t recognise this strong, determined woman, and I certainly didn't resonate with her words. How the hell had I ever felt so empowered? Life was crap. Everything was crap. I’d been working so hard on myself, why wasn’t I feeling better? I’m sure everyone was wondering the same thing behind my back, but it was a question I just couldn’t answer. So I stopped reaching out to friends for support. I was sure they found me annoying. I was a product of my circumstances. It was probably my fault, really. I guess I wasn’t pretty/funny/skinny/intelligent enough. That’s why he was able to replace me so quickly both when we were still together and shortly after we parted ways. I wasn’t enough. This is all me. I am worthless. I didn’t want to hear the positives in my life, they were insignificant compared to my problems. I didn’t want to think about my blog – I felt like an imposter. I wasn’t living how I was spruiking. What was the point? I am a victim. That’s who I am. And that’s the end of it.
Let’s take a deep breath.
Can you see what just happened there?
Can you see how easy it was to bury myself in a pit of self-loathing, misery, and resentment? That’s just SOME insight into my headspace over the last few weeks.
It’s exhausting reading back through it. Imagine living that 24/7. Picture what that was doing to my self-worth, outlook on life and how other people perceived me.
So, what changed?
I woke up yesterday, ready to jump head first into the same vicious cycle. The day before had been awful. Bad days were proof what I was feeling was valid.
And then it came to me… I’ve been through enough. My spirit was black and blue. I’d done a really good job on myself. The last thing I needed at this time was for me to turn on myself too.
So I begged out loud for a sign.
It came in the form of a podcast of a conversation between Oprah Winfrey and Dr. Michael Bernard Beckwith. And of course, it was exactly what I needed.
Among many things, it discussed the importance of manifestation and embodying the attributes you wish to attract into your life.
Scroll above and check out what I was putting out there – is there any surprise I was only attracting misery back to me?
But what really resonated with me was a stage we can find ourselves in called “the dark night of the soul.”
We find ourselves here when we are in the process of shedding our previous self, but we haven’t yet evolved into our new and emerging identity.
As I discussed in my previous post, I’m not who I was 6 months ago, even a month ago.
But I’m not yet who I’m supposed to be. I feel stuck in limbo as I shed old habits/thought-patterns/beliefs to embrace a new and improved version of myself and step into my true calling.
That’s why I have been a mess since returning from a life-changing retreat in New Zealand.
I thought I was going to return home zen, wise, amazing. Instead, I felt worse than ever.
But it all makes sense now. Those intense 6 days gave me a taste of who I am about to become. But from the moment I touched down in Melbourne, the reality of life crashed down on me, and I realised I’m not quite this evolved version yet.
Now I understand to step into this identity, I have to stop pushing back against this sticky growth period. It’s time to give in and see where the current takes me.
“Pain pushes until vision pulls” - Dr Beckwith
It starts with changing the way I talk to myself and how I envision my future.
No more negativity. I’m going to love and nurture myself. Forgive myself. Take everything slow. Give myself permission to heal as I wade through these murky waters. Healing isn’t linear. Ridding your body of heavy, destructive emotions is painful. You’ll take a few steps forward, then one a couple back. That’s just how it works. And you need to be gentle on yourself.
From now on, I’ll no longer ask, “why me?”
Instead, I’ll be asking what tough situations are trying to teach me, such as rushing my son to hospital after he slices his finger on a razor at the end of a god-awful day fighting with his dad.
Well, first and foremost it’s teaching me to put away my shaver!
But secondly, it’s teaching me independence and resilience. It’s asking me to cut the cord of emotional attachment to my ex. He has proven time and time again he can’t step up to the plate when I need him. It’s easy to see the lesson in pain when you step back and look at the bigger picture.
The only person I can rely on is myself… and if the glimpses of who exactly I’m becoming are anything to go by, I’ve absolutely got this.
BRB. it's time to walk into the direction of my purpose.
*HIGHLY suggest you listen to Dr Beckwith's chat with Oprah. You can find it here.